Wednesday, October 12, 2005

SPORTS GLUTTONY--AND THE NHL AS A MAJOR SPORT?

I realized this past Monday night during the Chargers/Steelers game that the 4 major professional sports leagues were all in action at the same time. Somethings definitely wrong with this. I can understand that for many sports gluttons this is like an all you can eat buffet at the Sizzler. As for me, I just can't get excited about watching Dwayne Wade and the Heat in October when the baseball playoffs are in full swing and John Madden is expounding on the merits of making sure a receiver is beyond the 1st down marker on a crucial 3rd down catch. December? Maybe. October? Not lighting my fire.
Is it just me or does anyone else think the NBA and NHL seasons are excruciatingly long? The NBA's and NHL's pre and regular seasons run 9 freaking months. I don't even start paying attention to NBA standings until February. And don't get me started about the NHL. The only time I check in on them is when the NHL finals start. On that note, are we still allowed to call the NHL a major sports league? I'm somewhat uncomfortable with this. If I were to compare these leagues to my high school class back in 1990 it would go something like this:

- the NFL is the good looking, all state athlete, who was cool no matter what he did. All the chicks wanted him, guys idolized him, and the teachers even asked him for autographs. Mothers schemed ways to get their daughter a date with him and he enjoyed Ferris Bueller type adoration. The only one who doesn't see what all the hype is about is the bitchy english teacher who thinks sports should be outlawed in school (this would be akin to wives who hate football and who have never tried to understand it or their husbands who watch it...ahem...I hope my wife never reads this).

- the NBA is the good looking sports star who gets in trouble, is pretty much a jerk most of the time(Stephon Marbury, Latrell Sprewell....I could go on but I won't), but is still sexy and amazing to watch play sports. Chicks still dig him (although the ones that have any common sense only flirt with him and never date), guys still want to be like him (or at least would like his ability and looks), and school administrators let his grades and attitude slide sometimes because they want that state championship. There is always a sense of guilt with this kid because you feel like he could be doing so much more.

-MLB is the guy who is in the cool group but he's not that good looking. He still gets chicks but it's because of who he hangs out with and the fact that he is good at sports. This is the guy who has cheated (steroids) on exams, quit the team and been let back on because he apologized (strike year 1994), and yet somehow you still like him. At times he can be dull and boring, but just when your ready to give up on him, he does something eyecatching, interesting, or spectacular (A Bonds at bat, the Wild Card race, playoffs etc.). You find yourself remembering how amazing this guy was in the past and how exciting he can be when he gets it going. Plus if he can get chicks with his looks then maybe there is hope for you.

-The NHL is like the guy on the wrestling team who is somewhat delusional. He thinks his sport is the coolest because their state championship trophy is the biggest in the trophy case. He mistakenly thinks he is hanging with the cool kids when actually they are laughing behind his back about his mangled ears, his funny looking leotard uniform, and the fact that his weight fluctuates like Anna Nicole Smith. His sport will never be followed or respected like the other 3 but he is totally oblivious to this. Nobody watches his matches and even though the school makes no money off tickets for his team's events, he thinks they should get all new equipment, uniforms, and a new gym built just for them. He tries to get the chicks but they just laugh in his face.


When I look at it this way I realize there is no way we can call the NHL a major sport. If it doesn't work in the High School Fiefdom model then it doesn't work in the real world. .......on second thought how does this model explain my coup with the wife I have. My status in high school should have ensured either a life of vagrancy (and possible uni-bomber type apparel) or at the very least, marriage to someone looking like Joan Rivers. As it is , neither happened and I married way above myself. Hey maybe there is hope for the NHL.

1 comment:

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